It feels as though I've lost my innocence amidst the haze, the buzz, the dizziness, and the ahemahem. I've lost pleasure in the things that I used to like. For example, going to Zephyr at 10 PM and just hanging out, or talking with a cool buddy about shoelaces, or unusual OCDs. Someone's shoved me into this adult world where I have to change my attitude and naive views to adjust in this community.
I feel like I have to start thinking more about myself, and my goals, rather than looking at everyone else, their feelings, the entire world. It's entirely selfish, and I hate it. I used to be able to have empathy for those, and cry along with others. But I've been drilled into some sort of ice queen, without having a need to cry. In a way, it's a sort of strength, and a sort of weakness. This gaining a new strength is a loss for me. I'm losing a part of myself. I've also gained confidence, but it's the exact same thing.
I realize it's just another revamping of my life, but it's kinda too drastic for me. Or at least, I don't want a huge chunk of me disappearing into the past. I still want to be me. I still want a part of me to be 17.
One thing that I notice that I haven't changed is my ability to be trodden upon when it comes to speaking with two or more friends. I guess that'll always be a Kina thing.
I guess what I'm saying is that in the end, I don't want to be a totally changed person, where I'm beyond recognition. That's all I'm saying, and I don't think I need an entire longass essay entry to say that.